My list of shark films from most to least hated
I haven't seen many shark films, but boy have I been disappointed by most of the ones I have seen. Here is a list that Tristan the former shark addict was not into.
1. 47 Metres Down: Uncaged (2019)
Johannes Roberts
Why does this film exist? I have so many questions and annoyances. It is not 47m deep. Where were the sharks finding enough prey to sustain themselves? Those shark bodies are designed for the open sea. None of these people have heard of the ampullae of Lorenzini
I hate this film.
2. The Meg (2018)
Jon Turteltaub
Why is everyone so obsessed with the megalodon? I will never understand this. We don't know how big it was, we don't know what it looked like, and we still keep arguing about whether it was endoor ectothermic. JUST MAKE A FAKE SHARK.
Also I have difficulties with facial recognition and Jason Statham and Bruce Willis are basically the same person. I have been informed they both simply do not have head hair.
3. Shark Tale (2004)
Vicky Jenson, Bibo Bergeron, Rob Letterman
Weirdly dark for a kid's film but surprisingly not awful. I mean still very odd - who thought of shark mafia? - but it kind of works? But also Lola looks like Brandy (the singer), Oscar is insufferable, and the Jamaican jellyfish entirely steal the show. It wasn't a film I would ever choose to watch.
4. Jaws (1975)
Steven Spielberg
It's fine, I guess. I'm not into it and I was disappointed by it as a shark-obsessed autistic bairn. The music is fucking dope though like let's all kneel before John Williams, godly fucking composer. Incredible. The only part of Jaws that wasn't disappointing.
5. Deep Blue Sea (1999)
Renny Harlin
Terrible film; entertaining watch. It knows it is stupid and it commits. There is scientific misconduct, there is arm-eating, there is a shark-caused gas leak, there is a crucifix-killing, there is an exploding shark, there is LL Cool J. None of these things should have happened and yet I am thrilled that they occurred.
Original high note
- i fucking hate 47m down uncaged
- the meg is shite
- shark tale is weirdly dark for a kid's film but not terrible
- jaws. i didn't like it but it isn't bad. good music
- deep blue sea. totally terrible but entertaining